WrestleVersary 25

Last Monday was perhaps the most significant day of my life as a fan of professional athletes. For starters, I was still basking in the glow of the Seahawks' Super Bowl win the night before--the first time any of the pro teams I cheer for has ever won a championship.

Beyond that, though, was something that's perhaps even more significant--Monday was the 25th anniversary of the first time I ever watched pro wrestling (and I've never really stopped). That's right, I've been a wrestling fan for a quarter of a century. On that fateful day, I watched the break-up of the Mega Powers, and a lifelong fan was born. Five years ago I chronicled the major events of the first 20 years of my fandom. To commemorate my silver anniversary, here's a countdown of my top 25 favorite sports-entertainers of the past two-and-a-half decades.

Honorable mention: The list of guys who just missed the cut include big stars like Bret "Hitman" Hart, Rob Van Dam, and Sycho Sid; underrated/underutilized talents like Henry O. Godwinn (aka HOG), Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, and Rob Conway; and novelty acts like Too Cool (including Rikishi) and the Godfather. On to the actual list!

25. Mr. Kennedy

Why I'm a fan: I'm not a fan of violence. I don't watch wrestling because I like seeing guys beat each other up. If I was into that kind of thing, I'd follow MMA or boxing instead. I watch wrestling because it's an addictive soap opera, with the best moments coming from characters who are corny or compelling (sometimes both). As a result, this list is largely comprised of competitors who are/were at least at good at talking as they are/were at fighting. And that's why #25 is a good spot for Ken Kennedy--he's one of pro wrestling's most gifted talkers ever, and had an abundance of wrestling skill too, but he never even came close to reaching his potential in WWE. He was unbelievably charismatic, but never said anything besides his name, weight, and hometown, as you'll see below.
On the mic: He rarely strayed far from his basic template, but he was still fun to listen to.
In the ring: In this section I'm not necessarily linking to what I consider my favorite match or their "best" match, but it will always be something noteworthy. Here, Kennedy competes against Eddie Guerrero in what would turn out to be Eddie's final match before his unexpected, tragic death.

24. The Shield

Why I'm a fan: From left to right: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins. They're the only wrestlers on this list who have debuted within the last few years; their inclusion is in part as representatives of the newest generation of Superstars, but they're also extremely impressive athletes, especially when working as a team. Tag team wrestling gets emphasized about one-tenth as much as it did when I started following wrestling, so I really appreciate their team chemistry.
On the mic: I gravitate towards those who cut funny, sarcastic promos, but I can dig intensity too.
In the ring: The three newbies won their WrestleMania debut against three former champions, because the Shield are a real team.

23. Gillberg

Why I'm a fan: At the height of the "Monday Night Wars," WWF turned scrawny jobber (term for a wrestler who always loses, doesn't have theme music or action figures, etc.) Duane Gill into "Gillberg," a parody of rival WCW's biggest star Goldberg, with hilarious results.
On the mic: He does talk here, but his character was really all about the intro: the piped-in Gillberg chants, the security guards flanking him, the hand-held sparklers instead of big pyrotechnics...so great. Bonus: this was the debut of Lita, one of the greatest Divas of all time.
In the ring: Classic Gillberg.

22. Renee Young

Why I'm a fan: The only other "new" talent on this list, besides those who share a spot. Obviously she's very attractive, but she's also dang good as a backstage interviewer. For years, I've suffered through interviews (conducted by men and women) that consist of nothing more than introducing a wrestler and asking them "What are your thoughts?" Renee actually asks good questions, with good follow-ups always at the ready. She also provides occasional match commentary on NXT, the WWE's minor league program, which I believe makes her the first woman ever to do so in more than just a "special guest" role. She's fun and sassy and the only wrestling personality I follow on Twitter--and once she even acknowledged my social media existence!
On the mic: Even when she doesn't get to talk much, Renee still has good body language.
In the ring: Renee doesn't fight, but she did take a bit of a beating from frequent verbal sparring partner Paul Heyman in this interview.

21. Ravishing Rick Rude/Val Venis

Why I'm a fan: It's always a good time when a guy boasts he can please all the women in the audience more than their own men can, then proceeds to elaborately disrobe, then proceeds to beat the crap out of their opponent. Rude was decidedly more PG in his late '80s heyday than Venis, who rose to prominence during the late '90s when wrestling got incredibly sleazy.
On the mic: Low video quality on this Rude supercut, but I'm so glad it exists. Val's promo, as noted above, is fairly risque, but it's dang funny.
In the ring: Both the Ravishing One and the Big Valbowski could back up their boasts in the ring.

20. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Why I'm a fan: Brutus was Hulk Hogan's real-life and on-screen best friend, and I chose him as my favorite wrestler, likely because the Hulkster was my true favorite but even at 9 years old, I knew he was too obvious a choice. I loved how he put his opponent out with a sleeper hold, then gave them an awful haircut (luckily most jobbers of that era had mullets, so he could just thin out the back without making them completely hideous).
On the mic: He was ok in interviews, but nothing special.
In the ring: This was the Barber's last high-profile match before a parasailing accident "shaved" a few years off his career; when he finally did start wrestling again he wasn't quite the same performer.

19. Yokozuna

Why I'm a fan: Yokozuna, a Hawaiian posing as a Japanese sumo champ, was one of the first agile super-heavyweights. He could put on a much better match than plodders like Andre the Giant, and he was a very convincing bad guy.
On the mic: Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette did all the talking for him.
In the ring: Here's the main reason Yoko made the list...I had this computer game, and he was my favorite character to play as, but also to fight against, because when you hit him cooked turkeys and other food came out of him. Here's one of his more notable real matches.

18. Jerry "The King" Lawler

Why I'm a fan: Lawler started wrestling 40ish years ago, but most fans (including me) think of him first and foremost as an announcer. Old age, poor health, and the WWE's shift back to a PG show have neutered most of the edge he had throughout the '90s and early '00s, but in his prime the King was an amorous, cackling hyena, and he made every show more entertaining.
On the mic: I love that people take the time to make these videos and upload them to YouTube. Thank you, Internet!
In the ring: He had greater triumphs before coming to the WWF/WWE, but this was probably the peak of his in-ring run during my fandom.

17. British Bulldog

Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most underrated wrestler of his era. He was amazingly strong, agile, athletic, and always had a good match, no matter who he was up against.
On the mic: Not the best talker; maybe that's why he only won the lower-tier titles throughout his career.
In the ring: If Bulldog isn't the most underrated, than that title probably goes to his brother-in-law Owen Hart. This match is so good, it's the one that I'm choosing to share even though it's hard to hear the English commentary.

16. The Divas

Why I'm a fan: The WWF/WWE (the name was changed in 2002, almost exactly halfway through my 25 years) call their male talent Superstars and the female talent Divas. Nobody is better (or at least, nobody is more thorough) at branding than the WWE. Pro wrestling has a storied history of misogyny, and the Divas are rarely more than eye candy (or at least are not allowed to be more than that), especially when they engage in bikini contests, the infamous "bra and panties" matches, and other such tawdry fare. But I would be lying if I said I didn't like seeing them, and it would be a gross oversight to not include them in some way on this list. Pictured above are Stacy Keibler (most famous for dating George Clooney) and Alicia Fox (my current favorite Diva), but I could've easily used photos of some of the others I've liked over the years, including Miss Elizabeth, Sunny, Trish Stratus, Lita, or Michelle McCool.
On the mic: The ladies don't get to speak much, but this recent diatribe by current Divas Champ AJ Lee shows that at least some of them deserve more chances on the mic.
In the ring: Few Divas have any wrestling experience when they debut in WWE, but that doesn't stop them from throwing them out there in matches from time to time. They all receive training, but often the matches are pretty sloppy. Some, though, actually show dramatic improvement and become good wrestlers; the most notable of these is probably Stratus, who went from super-awkward in the ring to more than competent. Here's her retirement match against Lita.

15. "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase

Why I'm a fan: Beefcake knocked out his opponents and cut their hair; DiBiase upped the humiliation ante, putting his rivals to sleep and then stuffing money in their mouths. He was the ultimate villain, using his wealth to embarrass people, bribe officials, even buy titles. And his laugh...oh, his laugh. So brilliant.
On the mic: This is classic cartoonish supervillainy. Or at least, '80s teen movie Billy Zabka-style villainy.
In the ring: The closest he ever came to winning the WWF title (though he did come even closer to purchasing it at one point).

14. Edge & Christian

Why I'm a fan: The duo achieved greater success as singles wrestlers than as a tag team, but pairing them allows me to include more people on the list. Plus, they literally "reeked of awesomeness" as a hilarious, title-winning team. In the early 2000s they were billed as brothers, but now call each other "best friend" and pretend the familial claims never happened.
On the mic: The 5-second pose...
In the ring: They liked to goof around, but these are two of the best, most fearless wrestlers ever. (Again, they have tons of great matches as solo artists as well, but I really loved them as a team.)

13. The Genius/Damien Sandow

Why I'm a fan: DiBiase drew ire by flaunting his money, these two do it by flaunting their intellect. Lanny Poffo (the real brother of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, still to come on the list) also elicited boos by giving his Genius character some gay undertones; wrestlers and wrestling fans are often homophobic, despite the blatant homoeroticism prevalent in the ring. Sandow doesn't prance and skip like Poffo did, but it's clear his character is based in no small part on the Genius.
On the mic: The Genius topped off the cap and gown with a scroll, and then recited poetry; Sandow merely bragged about his intellectual superiority without proving it through rhyme.
In the ring: At his effeminate best, the Genius could even stymie Hulk Hogan; but Sandow's smarts weren't enough to overcome Hogan's modern-day equivalent, John Cena.

12. Legion of Doom

Why I'm a fan: Cool look, cool music and entrance, really cool finishing move...they were the best tag team of the early '90s.
On the mic: Also, I'm a fan because Hawk (the one on the right) was a little crazy.
In the ring: As much as I liked them, they don't have any particularly memorable matches. Here's their first title win, though.

11. Razor Ramon

Why I'm a fan: Razor was my first officially designated "favorite" wrestler post-Beefcake. I liked the fake Cuban accent, the chains, the hairy chest, but it was the toothpick that put Ramon over the top. He achieved his greatest fame wrestling under his real name Scott Hall, but he's seen even more tragedy.
On the mic: Oh my...I forgot how great the series of vignettes were that aired leading up to his debut. "I will scar...your soul."
In the ring: Razor called himself "the Bad Guy," but he was the good guy in his most famous match.

10. Hulk Hogan

Why I'm a fan: The biggest star in wrestling history. Not much else to say.
On the mic: Hogan's interviews were always full of bombast, energy, intensity, and catchphrases. No one stands out in my mind above the others, but here's a typical example. Well, not that typical--not many promos include the line "thank God Donald Trump is a Hulkamaniac."
In the ring: Hulk got by much more on force of personality than on in-ring skill, but if he was paired with a great wrestler like Randy Savage he could put on a pretty good match.

9. Bobby Heenan

Why I'm a fan: "The Brain" was the best heel (that's the "official" term for villain) manager of my lifetime, and on Lawler's level as a sarcastically evil announcer.
On the mic: Yet another great YouTube supercut.
In the ring: They would sometimes make Heenan wrestle, but it was never a pretty sight. So just watch this instead.

8. Owen Hart

Why I'm a fan: He was already one of my favorites, but tragic, untimely deaths often make legends grow disproportionately, and that's happened with Owen, who died when a stunt went wrong at a Pay-Per-View event in 1999. I still get sad when I think about it.
On the mic: He had some good, wholesome things to say early in his career, but this angry promo is probably his best ever.
In the ring: His greatest moments came either when paired with or against his family, whether his brother-in-law British Bulldog as mentioned above, or classics like this match with his brother Bret.

7. Ultimate Warrior

Why I'm a fan: Oops, maybe I should've warned you about this picture...sorry if you end up having nightmares. Just looking at this photo should make it clear why I was a Warrior fan, but if not, just click these links...
On the mic: ...you could spend an hour watching bizarre Ultimate Warrior rants online, and it would be time well spent, but this mashup is a great place to start. Probably one of my top 10 favorite videos on all of the Internet.
In the ring: Like Hogan, Warrior wasn't a Superstar because of his technical prowess, so once again--Randy Savage to the rescue!

6. Vince McMahon

Why I'm a fan: You couldn't have pro wrestling without Hulk Hogan, but you really couldn't have it without this guy. Vince is the man most responsible for moving wrestling away from trying to pass itself off as legitimate competition, and acknowledging that it's really more like the Harlem Globetrotters. Plus, his onscreen character is even more of a cartoon supervillain than the Million Dollar Man.
On the mic: The prototypical Mr. McMahon promo--I can do whatever you want, and there's nothing you can do about it, because I'm the boss.
In the ring: For many years, McMahon just couldn't help making himself one of the major players on his own shows--and his whole family got in on the act. Here, he and his son Shane bludgeon each other with garbage cans and other weapons.

5. Mick Foley

Why I'm a fan: Whether wrestling as Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, or under his own name, Foley is one of the most unique individuals in wrestling history. He was crazy in the ring and hilarious on the mic (and in print--he's written several highly readable books, but his first is by far the best).
On the mic: He's actually probably known more for his bizarre, twisted, serious promos than the funny ones, but I prefer the funny ones.
In the ring: By far his most famous match, this makes it clear why many view Foley as more of a stuntman than a wrestler.

4. Kurt Angle

Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most phenomenal combination of skill in both the major categories, at least for the first few years of his career (if he'd kept it up longer, he might have the top spot on the list). It's weird to think that he's now been in TNA (now the 2nd biggest pro wrestling company) longer than he was in WWE, and it's sad to see him now (injury-prone, far less crisp in the ring and on the mic than he used to be, turning bright purple like he's going to have a heart attack every time he wrestles and making me fear for his safety and that of his opponent) compared to his peak of 1999-2004.
On the mic: The classic wholesome, all-American overachiever, he loved to rub it in that he's so much better than everyone else. He could also be quite funny.
In the ring: Angle doesn't win here, but it's still an amazing match.

3. The Rock

Why I'm a fan: The most charismatic person in the world is probably either Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, or The Rock. He's probably only at #3 for the same reason that I chose Brutus the Barber over Hulk Hogan as my favorite. The Rock is amazing.
On the mic: So many good ones to choose from. This is a hidden gem; I probably haven't seen it in over a decade.
In the ring: My top 25 end up losing in a lot of the matches I'm highlighting, but so be it. The truly great ones are great even in defeat.

2. "Macho Man" Randy Savage

Why I'm a fan: Ahead of his time in the way he wrestled and cut promos. Plus he's really fun to imitate, especially "Snap into a Slim Jim" and the opening lines from this song.
On the mic: I don't think I'd seen this compilation before; it rivals the Warrior video for awesomeness.
In the ring: This is probably the consensus choice for greatest match of all time; I think that's overrating it quite a lot, but it is very good.

1. Chris Jericho

Why I'm a fan: And then there was one. It's no surprise that Jericho's WWF debut was a verbal altercation with The Rock. That was in 1999, and he started calling himself Y2J. He still calls himself that, which is very odd, but other than that he's pretty much the perfect entertainer. You'd think I'd have more to say about my all-time favorite, but...it's been a long blog post.
On the mic: Jericho was absolutely brutal to Stephanie McMahon, the boss's daughter, but especially so in the summer of '01.
In the ring: Wrestling has always been a soap opera, but the story lines move exponentially faster now than they did 25 years ago. Except once in a while the writers and wrestlers take their time and let something amazing develop more naturally. Case in point: the 2008 rivalry between Shawn Michaels and Jericho lasted almost a year, and it was perhaps the best feud of the last quarter-century. This great match was the culmination.

There you have it. If you read all the way to the end of this post, you're probably crazier than Ultimate Warrior and Hawk combined, but I certainly appreciate it.

El-e-phants and, kan-garoosies -roosies

This Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson is about Noah's ark! You probably know the story already, but a review of the principles it teaches is never a bad thing. Study up on it here.

"And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark..." (Genesis 6:19)

Here are two of every type of animal I can think of:

CRACKERS

ALBUMS

KINGDOMS

2011 Kentucky Derby winner Animal Kingdom

WRESTLERS

George "The Animal" Steele

Road Warrior Animal, from the legendary tag team Legion of Doom

BANDS

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band whose next biggest hit, "We Gotta Get Out of This Place," would be a good theme song for Noah and his family

Animal Collective. I'm almost positive I've never heard any of their songs

BOOKS

I haven't read this book, but I have read both titles from the "author of" line

STYLES

Animal Style burger from In-N-Out

Animal Style fries, from the aforementioned burger joint

SONGS




PLACES TO LIVE

MUPPETS

Did I forget any?

It's Cain and Abel, not Cain and Mabel

It's been (and will continue to be) a busy, busy week and weekend for me, so this post will be pretty short. With the Super Bowl, school, work, preparing a lesson for Elders Quorum, writing a paper, donating blood, attending multiple birthday parties, attending multiple Burns Suppers, and more, free time has been scarce lately.

This week is the Cain and Abel lesson; you can prepare for it by studying the material found here. If Cain and Abel are going to coincide with a Super Bowl Sunday, it really should've been last year, when brothers John and Jim Harbaugh coached the two participating teams. Also, the lights went out for a while, and that's pretty scriptural, if not downright Biblical.

This year, I guess you could force a comparison in a couple ways--Peyton Manning is trying to match younger brother Eli with his 2nd Super Bowl title, in a game played at Eli's home stadium no less; and the mayors of Seattle and Denver made a bet on the game's outcome, appearing to literally "make an offering" to Stephen Colbert:


Both were offering flesh--no grains--so the comparison kind of falls apart there. Anyway, the if the Seahawks win, I'll be a fan of a championship team for the first time in my life, so I'm pretty excited for the game.

One other comment about Cain and Abel--a bunch of people (this site says it's "widely, presumptively assumed") are under the impression that Cain and Abel were the only children Adam and Eve had (in totality, or at least until Seth was born), and that just baffles me. LDS scriptures are more direct in stating Adam and Eve had many sons and daughters concurrently with Cain and Abel (see Moses 5:2, for example), but even the KJV indicates the first couple's plethora of progeny (see Genesis 5:4). Just because the Bible mentions Cain's wives before it mentions Eve's daughters doesn't mean that his family tree didn't grow out of his dating pool.

The God-fearing Flanders family fall into the "where did Cain's wives come from?" camp--start at the 6:23 mark of this video. Interestingly, that episode centers around Homer and Ned producing the Super Bowl halftime show--now that is synergy! Go 'Hawks!

Old Testament Prophet Power Rankings

This Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson is all about Eve. And Adam. Specifically, about the Fall of Adam and Eve. If you want to learn more about it, and prepare for the lesson, this is a great place to start.

Another, more surprising resource you could use to learn about the Fall? The article written by Adam in this month's Ensign. No, not the article written about him--the one written by him. There's no byline or anything, but it's written in first person. I find it very weird. The February issue hasn't been mailed out yet, but it's already available online, and it features a piece penned by Noah, so obviously they're planning to continue this throughout the year.

Noah, exhorting the people to check out his blog.

If the ancient prophets are being put to work, creating new content, can official Facebook pages be far behind? If you're a regular reader of this blog (or, if you read this post's title), you probably know where I'm going with this...that's right, it's the first-ever Old Testament Prophet Power Rankings!

I'm being a little loose with the term "prophet" for this list, since the Lord's people in Old Testament times did not have an organized church in the same way that allows for my more narrowly defined Apostolic Power Rankings (which will be an ongoing feature) and Latter-day Prophet Power Rankings. For the purposes of this post, I'm considering those like Noah who were clearly prophets in the way we think about them today, folks like Job who had no clear prophetic calling but whose lives and teachings are of value to us today, and even those like David who were secular leaders but also played a major role in the spiritual lives of the people.

I'm going to "limit" my list to 25, which means notables such as Methuselah, Aaron, Saul, Deborah, and Ezra don't make the cut. We'll start off with the projected rankings--my predicted order based on number of Likes on (theoretical future) official LDS Facebook pages for these prophets.

PROJECTED ORDER

25. Ezekiel--Mormons know about the sticks of Judah and Joseph, and that's about it. It's a long book, not quoted in the Book of Mormon, and if you're reading through the OT you have to get through Psalms, Isaiah, and Jeremiah to even reach Ezekiel. Ranked at the bottom due to collective ignorance.

24. Gideon--The stories about Gideon are cool but not particularly well-known.

23. Solomon--The next few are ranked low because, collectively, people would feel weird Liking a page for someone as known for the bad they did as for the good.

22. Samson--Like I said, I'm using the term "prophet" a little loosely.

21. David--Would definitely be the most popular of the at-times-wicked men on this list.

20. Isaac--Pretty much the only thing we know about him is that he couldn't tell Jacob and Esau apart, but he's always listed as a great example of righteousness.

19. Jeremiah--Gets bumped up a few spots because Mormons know he was a contemporary of Lehi; otherwise he might be down in Ezekiel range.

18. Elisha--He's no Elijah, but that incident with the she bears is one of everyone's favorite OT stories.

17. Malachi--His connection to Elijah, Joseph Smith, and key LDS doctrines (tithing, family history) would probably rank him much higher for Mormons than he would be for Christianity as a whole.

16. Joshua--He's around for hundreds of pages, and that helps his cause. Plus almost everyone knows the "Choose ye this day" scripture.

15. Ruth--Her story proves that men are totally ok with women asking them out.

14. Jonah--We all know about the "great fish," but since his book is tucked away at the back, many likely don't know the whole story, or he might not be so high...

13. Samuel--Smack dab in the middle of the list. Seems about right.

12. Daniel--Another back-of-the-book prophet whose cause is helped by having kid-friendly stories.

11. Job--Just misses out on the top 10. Yet another woe for the master of patience.

10. Esther--The top-ranking woman on the list. Definitely a great lady--but is she "cool?"

9. Jacob--I feel that Joseph is just a tad more memorable than his father...

8. Joseph--...once again, his dreams come to pass.

7. Isaiah--Everyone would Like his page to make it seem as if they understand his writings.

6. Enoch--He'd be lumped in with Seth, Enos, and all the other non-top-25 patriarchs if not for the Pearl of Great Price.

5. Elijah--Probably the #1 prophet in the coveted "males 18-49" demographic, due largely to his mountaintop showdown with the priests of Baal.

4. Abraham--One of the stars of the Old Testament, plus Mormons know some cool stuff about him that isn't even in the OT, thanks to the Pearl of Great Price.

3. Adam--Another prophet we know much more about due to modern revelation. (No, I'm not referring to the Ensign article again.)

2. Noah--Star of the most well-known Old Testament story. When missionaries teach investigators about living prophets, they invariably say that the're modern versions of Noah and...

1. Moses--...and this guy! The prophet prototype. Star of a huge chunk of the OT, plus many movie adaptations of the same. I can make a solid case for my picks, but this is the only one out of all 25 that I'm fully confident in the accuracy of.

MY ORDER

This list ranks the prophets in the order I would be most apt to Like their unofficial pages. (I wish to emphasize that even if I don't "Like" a Facebook page doesn't mean I don't lowercase-l like/respect/honor these people.)

25. Jonah--I was a freshman in college when I read the Old Testament cover-to-cover for the first time. When I finally reached Jonah, and learned that he was disappointed when the Ninevites actually repented and were spared, I was pretty shocked. Sour grapes are unbecoming in a prophet.

24. Isaac--As mentioned above, he's practically a cypher compared to his father and son.

23. Ruth--It would be a pity for this list to be ruth-less, but it's that corny joke itself which ensures Orpah's sister-in-law places low on my list.

22. Jeremiah--Jeremiah was a prophet, was a good friend of mine...but clearly not that good.

21. Ezekiel--A prophet's job is never easy, but it rarely requires them to lie on their side for 390 days, eating dung-laced bread (see Ezekiel 4). Mad props to Ezekiel.

20. Jacob--A faithful man, but some of his actions are a little iffy--hating one of his wives, quarreling with his father-in-law, manipulating his father to gain the birthright, and more.

19. Gideon--I think our armies should always be chosen by the way people drink from a stream.

18. Malachi--Could potentially rank much higher if we had some narratives to go with the great teachings.

17. Job--Behemoth and leviathan are the curelom and cumom of the Old Testament.

16. Isaiah--I don't understand all of Isaiah's prophecies, but I think I really nailed this one.

15. Joshua--I'm reading Joshua right now in my personal scripture study, so he's fresh on my mind. Otherwise he might slot in a few places lower.

14. Esther--Esther's story is pretty cool, even though the songs from the "Liken the Scriptures" version aren't as ridiculous as those in the Ammon video.

13. Solomon--I'm pretty sure "cut the baby in half" was the first Bible story I ever heard, and it's still fun to reference today when determining the "true" owner of a dessert or a spot on the couch during a movie or pretty much anything else.

12. Samuel--The dude was fearless, whether it was telling off the people for wanting a king, telling off Saul while he was king, or my favorite, "hew[ing] Agag in pieces" (1 Sam. 15:33).

11. Elisha--Naaman, "they that be with us...," his devotion to Elijah, helping out the poor and widowed--all good things. But his high spot is mainly due to the she bears.

10. Samson--Like Solomon, I learned about Samson when very young, and nostalgia keeps him high on the list. Samson overreacts to any slight, is obsessed with looking good, he drinks, and is disrespectful to women--he'd fit right in on any MTV reality show. I wouldn't follow his example, but I would Like his page.

9. Abraham--I don't really get the whole "pretend my wife is my sister" thing (which Isaac also did), but otherwise Abraham was pretty awesome.

8. Enoch--He was the man. Moving mountains, founding Zion, and everything in between.

7. Daniel--I like the Word of Wisdom stuff, the lions' den stuff, the connection to Shadrach Meshach and Abednego stuff, and the interpreting dreams stuff, but he rises this high on the list mainly because of his involvement in my favorite Sunday School blog post of all time.

6. David--I'm not ignorant of his many shortcomings. But he deserves some credit for remaining fully loyal to Jehovah when so many of his contemporaries and successors turned to idolatry. (Also, I just finished reading Beowulf for one of my classes, and have been thinking about how many similarities there are between David and the 'wulf. This may have artificially inflated his ranking here.)

5. Moses--Not #1 on my list, but there's no shame in being #5.

4. Noah--Sure, the trailer for the new Noah movie looks pretty cool, but you just know Russell Crowe's singing will ruin it.

3. Adam--I said Enoch was the man, but Adam was literally the man for a while.

2. Elijah--I'm right in the heart of that male 18-49 demographic. I love that he was able to slip some sarcasm in to that aforementioned duel. That's my kind of prophet.

1. Joseph--As with Daniel, his role in my favorite Sunday School blog can't be ignored, but it's the Dreamcoat musical that really secures him the top spot. There will hopefully be a "watch with Jeff" post in a few weeks to chronicle my love for the Andrew Lloyd Webber masterpiece.

So, what do you think? Which rankings did I mess up on? More importantly, what other ancient prophets do you hope will pen guest articles for the Ensign in 2014?

Did not our heart burn within us?

I'm back from an unexpectedly long blogging hiatus. In the first week of January, I had mandatory overtime at work every day, and in the second week, I taught Gospel Doctrine, so I spent time preparing a serious lesson rather than a snarky blog post about the subject matter. Hope you all managed to prepare for the last two Sunday School lessons without said snarky posts.

But now I'm back! We've begun our once-in-four-years study of the Old Testament, the book of scripture I believe provides the richest material for funny, tangential blog material. Allow me to demonstrate. This week's Sunday School lesson is on the Creation, which of course culminated in the placement of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Eve's unusual origin story includes the line "And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman" (Moses 3:22; see also Genesis 2:22 and Abraham 5:16). I can't read that line without thinking of the Ribwich, the McRib knockoff sold at Krusty Burger in a memorable Simpsons episode. Eating the sandwich clearly has a powerful effect on Homer.

For some context, here's the commercial that sucked Homer in, and here's the GIF with the original audio. Actually, you should just watch the entire episode. The main story involves Lisa competing in the "Spell-lympics," which will help get you in the mood for the upcoming Winter Games, and the Ribwich B story is just the barbecue sauce on the cake. Seriously, go watch it. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Processed rib-inspired sandwiches are ok, but I generally avoid eating them off the bone. Too messy, too much effort, but beyond that, I once had a very bad rib experience. My parents took my older brother and I out to dinner to celebrate our graduations--he had just finished high school, and I completed junior high. We ate at the Old Salt City Jail, and I got the ribs. Bad choice. I didn't finish my meal, and had a stomach ache for days. The restaurant closed 8 years ago, ostensibly to allow for Anniversary Inn expansion, but I'm convinced that they finally got caught selling tainted ribs.

Here's every other time I can think of where I can trace feeling terrible to a specific meal:

November 1990--My family had just sat down to dinner. My youngest sister, barely a year old at the time, sat in a high chair at the corner of the kitchen table, right next to me. With very little advance warning, I started feeling weird and then passed out, face-planting into my sister's food. When I came to, I had a seizure and threw up. This fainting-seizure-vomit trifecta repeated itself several times over the next few days. Scary stuff. I would end up spending a week in the hospital and enduring months of neurological tests, but they never really figured out what was wrong with me. Obviously the family dinner was not what triggered this event, but I must have mentioned I passed out into my sister's green beans when I first recounted the story to my friends, because a few of them remembered that detail for years ("Remember when you passed out in your sister's beans?"), and so that's how I remember it now too.

Summer 1996--I was on a lunch break at my job at Mrs. Fields, and from many appealing food court options I chose to dine at Sbarro. The pizza tasted ok, but my intestines weren't fans. I experienced post-meal indigestion (and worse) faster than I ever have at any time in my life. I went home shortly after my lunch break, the only time in my life I've left work early due to illness. And I've never eaten at Sbarro's since, despite this ringing endorsement from Michael Scott.

I remembered this amazing Jon Stewart performance also involving Sbarro, but it turns out I had the wrong restaurant chain. Still definitely worth watching.

September 2008--Not long after watching BYU football team's season opening win with friends at the Times Square ESPN Zone (also since closed; hmm, starting to notice a pattern...), I started experiencing severe abdominal pain. Figuring it was just heartburn, I tried to tough it out, but when the pain remained just as intense 48 hours later--and especially when the pain became more severe in the upper right abdomen--I knew I was in trouble. Within a few hours, I had swapped my gall bladder for a 10-inch scar and another week-long hospital stay. You can read more about this over on my old blog. While the experience itself was awful, the first line of that post is one of my favorite things I've ever written: "I have staples in my stomach and am not wearing underwear, but for the last few weeks I haven't looked or felt much like a centerfold." Brilliant, no?

Watch With Jeff: Legacy

[December has been a pretty barren month on the old blog. Wrapping up the semester kept me very busy, and fortunately that coincided with stake conference, then back-to-back weeks with Christmas lessons in Sunday School. This means I didn't actually have to skip any potential BASOTRUSSL posts. This Sunday is the final lesson from the Doctrine and Covenants and Church History curriculum, and it's about Zion. And what could be a better way to get people thinking of Zion than giving the cheesy classic Legacy the "Watch With Jeff" treatment? (Actually, Toyland from my last post has plenty of Zion parallels as well.) I doubt there will be many weeks with two WWJ posts, but one per month going forward seems pretty realistic. Enjoy!]


0:27: If there's one thing you'd expect a boy who lives in a desert to wear, it's a sailor suit. Does he aspire to captain a vessel on the Great Salt Lake?

2:42: There's scant information to be found about the actor who plays the Prophet Joseph Smith. Apparently his name is Tim Gail, and the consensus is that he's gay. I remember back in the late '90s hearing a bunch of rumors about him, that basically centered around him being a disruptive on-set influence, though I can't remember specifics (not like that would make them true even if I could remember). Smith is a minor character in the film; if the rumors have any basis in reality, it's possible they trimmed down the part.

4:35: I've spent a fair amount of time in western Missouri, mostly in the summer...there's definitely a part of me that agrees with Johnny that Missouri couldn't possibly be Zion.

5:32: Snazzy dissolve. Now Eliza is...16?

6:10: I think that's Mike Huckabee's great-great-grandfather conducting that town hall meeting.

7:24: The tarring and feathering of Jacob (unknown last name) is heartwrenching, slightly graphic compared to what you normally see in LDS fare, and the first of a number of events that happened to real people that the movie co-opts into the narrative of this fictional family.

9:52: Nice to meet you, Sister Catherine.

11:30: "Don't just up and join the Church because of a pretty face." Come on--pretty faces are our top advertising tool!

11:55: Yes! They're finally in England--now the movie can really get going.

15:01: The letter--such blatant exposition--I love it.

16:01: The infamous Governor Lilburn Boggs issuing his even more infamous extermination order. It earned him the #7 spot on my list of names Mormon parents will probably never give their children.

18:30: Still don't know if Sister Catherine can speak. I think she whispered to Eliza's father earlier, but I can't be certain. I wonder if there's a "deleted scene" that gives more of her backstory.

20:28: Oh yeah, I forgot about that part. Pretty sure that's her only line. I feel like she should have more of a Scandinavian voice.

23:45: What I meant to say earlier was, "Yes! Now they're back from England!" Now it's really time for the good stuff. #LoveTriangle

28:06-29:03: David Walker is not a master of subtlety, but he gets away with it because he's handsome (and has an accent). Can you imagine if the roles were reversed, and Jacob was trying to woo Eliza away from her fiance? We'd all think he was a creepy jerk that's way too old to be marrying Eliza. (Okay, that last part is probably true.) Instead, the last line of this segment (the "slow down and work just one day in ten") got a huge sitcom laughtrack-style "ooooohhhh" from the audience the first time I saw it in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building theater.

29:15: Classic bro-off--who can saw through the log the fastest, and the prize is a woman. Sanctioned by Joseph Smith, no less. The testosterone is practically oozing from the screen.

30:41: Aaaaand......there goes all the testosterone. This scene just perpetuates the myth that Mormons can't dance. At least Jacob forced his fiancee to dance with her stalker in order to maintain his honor.

32:05: "...and I will make you laugh." This is the line from the movie I quote most often when I'm in a mocking mood, but realistically, it will be my top selling point too if I ever propose marriage.

32:30: David: "Marriage is a grand reward for kindness..." Jacob, popping out from behind a bush: "But it's just recompense for kindness, and getting tarred and feathered, and keeping the family from dying of starvation or malaria, and..." To borrow from that other bastion of Mormon cinema, the Twilight series, I think I'm on Team Jacob a little bit.

34:17: Okay, Jacob, you lost me there with that double negative ("I am not unaware of your feelings..."). All in on Team David. Still, though, classy of Jacob not to smash Brother Walker's head in with the sledgehammer after the limey gave his girl a flower right in front of him.

35:13: Wow, she dumped Jacob and then made him drop her off in front of her new man? Marriage may be a grand reward for kindness, but sparing someone humiliation shouldn't be too grand a prize to ask.

David Walker was kind of a jerk, but it's probably best that Jacob and Eliza didn't marry, and I'm not opposed to this practice in general. Being engaged is quite different from being married. I hometaught a guy at BYU who was engaged to the daughter of emeritus Church Historian Marlin K. Jensen; she had been engaged to another guy when he met her, and I loved hearing him tell the story of how he wooed her away.

36:32: Just what was the defect with that rocking chair, that it took a decade or more for it to finally get repaired? Or is it just that Johnny (rest in peace) was a slacker?

38:22: Boy, that Jacob just can't help but be a buzzkill, can he? Just kidding, that's unfair. As I'm rewatching this now, it turns out Joseph Smith was in the movie more than I remembered. And I kinda dig the performance, in spite of the critics. Some of the line readings were a little weak, but I really liked his look and his bearing. Monday would've been Joseph's 208th birthday. Praise to the man.

43:12: Once when driving to Omaha, my friend Will and I took an accidental detour to Council Bluffs, which apparently now has a reputation for being one of America's biggest hotbeds for crystal meth use. Sad. On an unrelated note, seeing a man outdoors with his face covered in shaving cream reminds me of the Mormon TV ad from the '80s where the dad and his son rush after the garbage truck with their trash bags because the son forgot to take it out. Alas, I can't find it online. Isn't it about...time, that every video ever made was uploaded to the Web?

44:58: I take back what I said at 32:05..."if we ever meet again it'll be Zion to me!" is definitely my go-to line when I want to mock this movie's cheesiness.

48:32: A family struggles with an injured ox, but the rest of the wagon train continues on without offering to help? No wonder some women want to be ordained. But this woman at least has some pretty impressive powers (or at least knows how to access impressive powers) even without ordination.

51:51: Eliza's flower received the exact opposite treatment of the one Elaine Benes was given by her poor boyfriend on an episode of Seinfeld (like David, he plucks it off a cart and hands it to her; Elaine smiles but immediately thinks, "how long do I have to hold this?"), but again I can't find the video. Lousy Internet.

52:52: I was 13 or 14 when I first saw Legacy, in the theater on Temple Square where it debuted. As the movie ended and the lights came up on the 100-plus people in the auditorium, some were crying, some were whispering reverently about the film's message, most were quietly contemplating their faith and the sacrifices made by early Mormon pioneers.

And two rows in front of me, two 20-something girls were giggling and debating whether David or Johnny was hotter. I would never be able to watch Legacy non-sarcastically again. Hope you had fun watching with Jeff!

(There are plenty of stories about real pioneers that I view with solemnity and respect. This one is probably my favorite. (Yes, that's the second James E. Faust link of this post. Loved that guy.) Read it, especially if my cynicism left a sour taste in your mouth.)

Watch With Jeff: Babes In Toyland

Back in September, I promised to do a running diary of the '90s Mormon pioneer movie Legacy, if I ever found an easily accessible version online. Well, I found one. So look for that post coming soon. But not today. Today I'm going to do a running diary of the best bad Christmas movie of all time, the 1986 made-for-TV version of Babes In Toyland. I'm assuming that these two posts will be awesome and that this can become a regular feature, so I'm giving them the title "Watch With Jeff." Enjoy!


0:19: The credits begin--and check out this cast! 11-year-old Drew Barrymore, four years post-E.T. Keanu Reeves, three years pre-Bill & Ted (and 27 years before his new heartwarming family tale, 47 Ronin--in theaters Christmas Day!). Pat Morita, riding high off of his Oscar nomination for Karate Kid the year before. This is going to be great!

2:23: My mom totally had that cookbook. Everyone did. I think it was included in the startup kit you were issued when you moved to suburbia, along with the red Fisher Price car with the yellow roof, and Chicago's Greatest Hits 1982-1989.

2:33: The big names in the credits likely drew most of your attention, but there's a solid supporting cast as well. We'll shout them out as they appear. Here's Jill Schoelen, who didn't have as successful a career as some of her co-stars, but she was engaged to Brad Pitt.

2:42: And here's Eileen Brennan, likely best known to my generation as Mrs. Peacock in Clue. Alas, she passed away last summer.

3:29: "You're a rat." And you're a bad actor. In case you can't tell, Drew, er, I mean, Lisa, is overly mature for her age and doesn't want to be viewed as a kid. This is important.

5:28: Keanu!

6:48: The late, great Richard Mulligan, star of Empty Nest and Neil Diamond's fever dreams. He seems to be riffing throughout the movie, meaning he either never bothered to read the script, or he was drunk/high during filming. Or all of the above.

8:50: Another recurring subplot--Lisa, ostensibly the "good guy," can be quite bratty and meddlesome. Love that old school PA system, though.

9:10: Why don't any of the customers get bags for their purchases? And WHY is that metal door pulled halfway down? I'm guessing that was a production mistake, but Mulligan refused to do a second take.

10:49: This movie is already off to a great start, and now--it's becoming a musical! This song (highlighting the awesomeness that is Cincinnati, probably my favorite recurring theme) is probably the movie's best, so good that they'll sing it again before all is said and done.

12:55: The hapless police bears are probably my favorite of all the citizens of Toyland. I have a lot of favorites.

13:32: "Mary, I really do like the sled, but look--it has wedding cake all over it, I can't possibly use it now!"

14:24: Didn't mention him before, but here's Googy Gress. He's had a long but nondescript acting career, though he did appear in an episode of the great show Pushing Daisies. If this running diary goes viral, maybe enough people will know this movie that I can wear that delightful high-waisted brown ensemble next Halloween. He also has my dream job--chief taster at a cookie factory.

15:17: "He rolls his house right down the street and knocks people over." What?! How can you do that with a house? How does it roll back into place? Sadly, they never show this act of pure villainy.

17:48: Nice job there by Lisa, equating beauty with goodness. Great message for the kids.

18:35: The justice of the peace is rockin' a pretty sweet beard. He would've fit right in with the early LDS apostles.

22:13: Lisa has saved the day! And now she gets her own song from Georgie Porgie, who is already seemingly obsessed with her. Don't worry, their interactions will get much creepier before the movie is over.

22:38: "Let's hear it for the folks who love freedom!" This is--yep, you guessed it--my favorite lyric from this song.

24:10: The bowling ball is surprisingly spacious inside.

25:53: If the bakers carrying the wedding cake had also been on roller skates, they probably could've gotten out of the way before Lisa crashed into it. Just sayin'.

27:30: That's a pretty terrible swing. That goon would never be able to play for the Reds if he ever made it to the greatest city in the world, Cincinnati.

30:24: At least Lisa doesn't want to deny Barnaby the right to get married altogether (a very timely issue). Apparently Mary is okay with Barnaby becoming her stepfather?

31:18: The consequences of Toyland's lax drivers licensing requirements will have consequences later on. #Foreshadowing

32:07: Jack: What do you say to a big kiss?
           Mary: Hello, big kiss!
           Now that is great writing. What's it doing in this movie?

34:51: Can't wait for the L&O spinoff, Law & Order: Grand Cookie Larceny Division.

36:04: When asked if anyone has ever told him about Cincinnati, Justice Grimm speaks for all of us when he asks "Why should they?" Quit cramming Cincinnati down our throats, Cincy-whatsky!

36:39: By far the most ironically funny moment of the movie--the glorifying of Pete Rose (this won't be the last time he's mentioned). Less than a year before this movie was filmed, he became baseball's all-time hit king; less than three years later, he was banned from baseball for life for betting on games.

39:35: Told ya! We finally get to see Mr. Miyagi, and the first thing he does is talk about Pete Rose.

40:00: "Now she can see, and dance, and smile," and creep kids out. Seriously, pretty much every toy in that workshop could cause nightmares.

41:00: For some reason, I'm ok with that Trollog having an al-seeing eye, but I just can't accept that it has the ability to zoom in and out.

45:50: Thank goodness--another song! It had been way too long. Here, we learn that Barnaby's "monsterpiece" involves not only controlling Toyland, but full-on world domination.

50:08: This whole scene is weird--weren't Mary and Lisa just at the cookie factory? Why aren't they concerned that Jack is missing? Why are Lisa and Barnaby pretending to be civil to each other, and why is Barnaby doing a legitimately nice thing like bringing flowers?

51:40: "He's come back for me! Oh no, it's only fatty." This might be the harshest weight joke at Georgie's expense yet, and that includes being called a great, fat lump by Barnaby, and Jack telling him they could cut three heroes out of him.

53:21: Can't decide if "it's time I did something besides cry" or "hold me, just hold me" were Ms. Schoelen's most blatant attempts at being a serious actress and giving her character depth. Keep trying, Mary Contrary.

55:26: That prancing, flapping Trollog is pretty creepy, but still less unnerving than most of the toys lining the walls of the workshop.

58:09: Oh great. Now Ralphie won't even be able to ask for a set of brushes for Christmas without getting a chorus of "you'll paint your eye out!"

59:30: Fighting evil is a job for the young, not the old, and certainly not the job of law enforcement. Lazy police bears. Can't even put on a pair of pants!

1:00:04: That's a pretty intricate trapdoor network Barnaby has there beneath the bowling ball.

1:02:39: So, are we supposed to take from this that the air quality is so bad in Cincinnati, that its citizens develop immunity to all airborne toxins, even the ones that turn people into trolls? Wait, can't think about that right now, they're singing the awesome Cincinnati song again...

1:03:42: ...and it worked! They've all regained their humanity, thanks to the amazing curative powers of Cincinnati!

1:05:09: Keanu may have been 13 years away from realizing he knew kung fu, but he still has a pretty wicked left cross.

1:09:43: I know I've said this so much that it's lost most of its meaning, but this is the beginning of my favorite scene in the movie--arguably the greatest car chase in cinematic history.

1:11:40: Run those last few seconds back again...did you notice that the cars passed each other, and then crashed? I love this movie so much.

1:14:02: Admit it, you were worried we were going to reach the end of the movie without Mr. Miyagi singing. Well your fears were unfounded--everybody gets a song. This seems like a good time to point out that Pat Morita's IMDb page lists eight credits from 2006 on, even though he died in 2005. Chris Farley and Tupac ain't got nothin' on him.

1:17:39: Boy, do those police bears deserve to be fired. But we can't do anything--the Toyland unions are too powerful.

1:18:50: It's weird enough that that lion is wearing an Andre Tippett jersey...but what happened to the Cincinnati love? Why wasn't he in a Tim Krumrie jersey? Though I guess it would be a bit odd for a lion to be dressed as a Bengal tiger.

1:22:16: Police bear, to other police bear: "Uh oh, our supervisor is watching--look busy! Help me lift the latch on this gate."

1:23:52: "Jack not be nimble--Jack be dead!" It was still undecided until this point, but I think we can all now agree unequivocally that Barnaby is the best villain of all time.

1:28:40: Almost unlimited power...I wonder what the Toymaster won't let Justice Grimm do?

1:29:59: Time to get awkward...Georgie's just a little too worked up about Lisa's departure, if you ask me...

1:31:35: ...and Lisa apparently feels the same way. Had she remained in Toyland, I can easily imagine a scenario where things go too far, and the police bears come to take Georgie away. "It's not my fault! She kept saying 'I'm not a child!' You've got to believe me!"

1:32:16: It's in Drew Barrymore's contract that every one of her movies include a shot of something flying in front of the moon. Go ahead, try me. Rewatch Charlie's Angels and Never Been Kissed and tell me I'm wrong.

And that's it. Thanks for joining me on this metaphorical sled ride smack dab into a giant wedding cake. May I wish you the happiest Christmas anyone ever knew!