The happiest blog on earth

I'm a name dropper. I freely admit it. For example: you know that guy who plays Therm in those Questar commercials? I used to do improv with that jerk guy!

Now that we've established that I'm a name dropper, allow me to drop another name. Most likely you've seen this video:



Well guess what? I know that family! The mother, Katie, is the best friend of my good friend Marlene. Back in 2008 the three of us (and my friend Megan) auditioned for American Idol together, which you can read about here (you'll notice that I do some name dropping in that post as well).

In case you're the type that doesn't like clicking on links, here's a picture of Katie (and some special guests) to whet your appetite. You'll have to check the other post to get the context.

And now, the video is blowing up everywhere. On Monday the whole family appeared on Fox & Friends, and they've been on Good Morning America and pretty much every Internet site. The YouTube video is approaching 3 million views in just over a week since it was posted.

It's been fun to closely observe the progression of a truly viral Internet sensation. I'm totally on the "Lily's Disneyland Surprise" bandwagon. Because that's what I do. I'm a name dropper.

Barbarians at the Gate

At the beginning of the year my roommate Jason and some other friends started "MITE Night" (MITE standing for "Most Interesting Thing Ever"), an informal lecture series. Every Thursday night, somebody gives a 15-minute presentation on their MITE topic, followed by 15 minutes of Q&A.

It's a great format. Any topic probably has at least 15 minutes worth of interesting stuff to it, and we've had a number of great MITE Nights covering everything from beekeeping to masonry to puppetry.

I wanted to give a "How to Fill Out A March Madness Bracket" lecture back in March, but submitted my proposal to the MITE Night committee too late to be scheduled. Last night, I finally made my MITE Night debut. The title of my presentation:

"I am a Real American: 30 Years of Patriotism and International Relations as Portrayed by Professional Wrestling"

It's probably safe to say I didn't steal the idea from anyone who was hoping to present in the next few weeks.

Turns out I was too ambitious, though: by the time I got through Sgt. Slaughter's infamous turn as an Iraqi sympathizer during the first Gulf War, my 15 minutes was almost up. I spent too much time on the likes of Nikolai Volkoff and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and as a result I had to gloss over the snooty Canadians of the late '90s, post 9/11 anti-Muslim fervor, and the WWE's take on the immigration debate.

I did, however, make time to show a clip from this video, the awesome inspiration for my lecture's title.

One thing I knew going in I wouldn't have time to cover is the semi-related, long-running trend in pro wrestling of portraying characters as broad stereotypes based on the wrestler's country of origin (real or imagined), but in a nonpolitical way. Often, these characters are put forth as savages or simpletons, such as New Zealand's Bushwhackers, Samoa's Head Shrinkers, or Kamala the Ugandan Giant.

The man who played Kamala is actually a guy from Mississippi. Having an American pretend to be from elsewhere was a fairly common practice until the Internet came around and everyone knows the truth about stuff like that.

Wrestling promoters certainly weren't the first to assume the savagery of native tribes they encountered. This week's Sunday School chapters include a story of Paul being shipwrecked among "barbarous people" (Acts 28:2). As always, here's a link to what I've been studying to get ready for class. The word barbarian literally means foreigner, but has taken on connotations that probably make most people think of Head Shrinker-types when they hear it. Or, if you're a wrestling fan, you think of this guy.

If you were doing a MITE Night presentation, what would you give it on? What should my next topic be?

Hoffmann of the Month: October

I'm a little late in naming this month's Hoffmann, but hopefully it's been worth the wait. I was hoping Trevor Hoffman could keep his career saves record through this offseason and I could give him one final honor, but Mariano Rivera had to go and pass him at the end of the season. Damn Yankees!

But another worthy candidate emerged...the Hoffmann of the Month for October is BYU wide receiver Cody Hoffman!

Ross Apo got off to a great start this season and gets a lot of media attention, but he's had injury issues the last few games, and Hoffman seems to have emerged as the primary target for Cougar quarterbacks, both the erratic Jake Heaps and the Samsonian Riley Nelson. His touchdown catch was a big part of BYU's comeback win over Utah St. last week.

But the exploit that catapulted Cody to this prestigious honor is in the video embedded above. Against Central Florida, Hoffmann returned a kickoff for a touchdown--the first time a BYU player had done that since 1998! That was my first semester of college!

The man behind that '98 touchdown was the immortal Mike Rigell. I had a few classes with Mike (he was a fellow Comms major), and sometimes he actually showed up. He was the first person I ever saw in real life rocking the LL Cool J, one-pant-leg-rolled-up look.

Congrats Cody, and keep up the good work! Go Cougars!

A disarming performance

So, the Primary (Mormon organization for children) in my ward has built a time machine. It's basically some big pieces of cardboard, painted black with glittery swirls, and a door cut out of it. But still--a time machine! And once a month they have someone emerge from the time machine, pretending to be an ancient prophet, and give a memorable presentation to the kids.

Last Sunday, it was my turn, and I got a good one: Ammon! I wore my kilt and a He-Man chest t-shirt. I'm too fat for both items, so after my performance I changed out of my costume right away, and didn't get any pictures of my prophetic mantle. But just imagine me in my kilt:

 

With a shirt like this (only if two or three guys that size were trying to fit into the same shirt).

 

I told the kids about my mission to the Lamanites, and I think they were impressed, but they really "began to be astonished" when I pulled these babies out of my sack.

I know, I know, the Lamanites had dark skin...but having arms at all was pretty impressive, I think. (The arms belong to my friend Julia, who got them as a white elephant gift last Christmas and thankfully kept them.) I had my glasses off (sure, Ammon somehow has a time machine, but that doesn't mean he has other post-75 BC technology), so I couldn't see all the kids' faces clearly, but the many "ewwww"s I heard let me know I had done a great job.

It felt good to perform again, even just in a capacity like this, and who knows--maybe it will lead to a similar career to the only person I saw portray Ammon as a child?

I think it's pretty cool that the Primary leaders built a time machine, but it's even cooler that we don't need a time machine to hear a prophet speak in person. This weekend is General Conference, which means there's no Sunday School class, which means there's no Sunday School reading assignment. Instead I recommend this short article to help you prepare for Conference.

I especially like President Uchtdorf's second point: don't discount a message merely because it sounds familiar. I think a lot of people expect huge announcements and proclamations to be made every six months, forgetting that General Conference talks are sermons, not press conferences. Also, I think a lot of people get a little myopic when it comes to the topics of those sermons. You may feel that a certain principle is being overemphasized, but chances are, you haven't mastered it as well as you think you have, and even if you have...there are likely thousands (if not millions) of other listeners that need help in that area.

Enjoy General Conference, and I'll be back next week with another Sunday School preview. If you have your own time machine, and you've already visited next week, try to act surprised when the new post goes up.

Filtered memories

In my last post I mentioned seeing the band Filter embarrass themselves in a Glasgow kilt shop over a decade ago. The time has now come to share that story with the world.

Actually, there's something that has to be done before the time can come...you need to read this post from my old blog to get some background on my missionary companion at that time, Elder McInelly (plus it's a really funny post). Go ahead, I'll wait.

Finished? Great. Ok, here's the story: McInelly and I headed into Glasgow so he could shop for a kilt, because his parents wanted him to get one. He never would've made that decision on his own. Since they weren't there with us to help him choose, he struggled mightily while we were in the store. McInelly was SOOOOOO indecisive. We were there for over two hours (seriously), and he didn't even buy a kilt! He ended up purchasing two semi-expensive blankets, I think mainly because he would've felt guilty being in the store that long without buying anything.

I was bored after about 15 minutes, but luckily at about the 90 minute mark I finally got some entertainment. A group of four Americans, two men and two women, entered the store. (I could tell they were Americans because they spoke very loudly, which allowed me to hear their accents, plus that's what Americans do.) They were in the shop for about 20 minutes, and spent most of that time looking at tacky souvenir items.

The entertainment came when one of the women started looking at kilt belts, and called out to one of the men, "this would look great with your pants." She said it loudly, several times. When Brits say "pants," they are, of course, referring to underwear. The woman should've said "trousers" (actually, I shouldn't assume--maybe the guy likes to accessorize his undies).

I even saw a couple of the store clerks trying to stifle chuckles while this was going on, but they managed to keep a straight face while ringing up their purchases (yes, they completed their shopping before McInelly, even though he had a head start of more than an hour). Probably wise not to insult someone who's about to give you several hundred pounds.

"So are you folks here on vacation?" one of them asked.

"No, we're in a band. Have you ever heard of Filter? We're playing down the street tonight at The Garage."

And that was it. They left the store, and mercifully, we did too a few minutes later. It turns out that story is much more enjoyable to tell (and probably to hear) if I don't give away the ending before I even start. Oh well.

Hey, did you know Filter still tours and stuff? I love the pretentiousness of this description of their most recent album. That's from their official website.

One more thing...I chose to write about this now, because I figured I could relate Filter's song "You Are Gods" to the passages from this week's Sunday School reading on man's status in comparison to God and angels (Hebrews 1-2)...except it seems that song may not exist!

Can anyone help me here? I could have sworn that Filter has a song where the chorus goes "Because you are gods, and I am yours" or something like that. I can't find any evidence of a song with lyrics like this, by Filter or otherwise. The song that I'm thinking of isn't one that I like, but I want to know that I'm not crazy. If you have any idea of what song I'm thinking of, please don't keep me waiting as long as McInelly did.

Rise and shout in pain

Four days later, the drubbing BYU received in the "Holy War" still stings. It was awful. It seemed like the Cougars had never even practiced together before, and by the end of the game seemed to have given up completely. I'd go as far as to say I've never felt as bad at the end of a football game than I did on Saturday.

(This may not hold up; instant reaction, hyperbole, and revisionist history are big parts of being a sports fan. In a few years we'll have to see if this loss stings as much as the two 34-31 games and the ensuing ad campaigns.)

Just as disheartening...I'm worried that I may already be out of good Ross Apo puns. Among those I've already used?

--"That match-up was like comparing Apos to burnt oranges" (after his touchdown catch against Texas)

--"How do you like them Apos?"

--"Need a touchdown? There's an Apo for that."

I'm hoping Josh Quezada returns to his endzone-finding form of 2010 so I can create and sell some bootleg "Apo Juice" merchandise.

Since this year's game is my current worst football memory, I'm going to cheer myself up (and hopefully some of you too) by linking to my favorite football moments that I experienced through a variety of media:

Best Moment I Saw In Person: Big plays by Brandon Doman and Luke Staley resulting in a comeback victory against Utah in 2001. This was especially huge because BYU was still undefeated at that point, though they got drilled in their last two games of the season.

Best Moment I Heard on the Radio: In 2009, I was living with my parents, who are philosophically opposed to paying for TV, so I experienced Andrew George's game-winning TD in overtime only aurally. Still awesome though. Runner-up radio moment: BYU knocking off Miami back in the Ty Detmer days.

Best Moment I Read About in the Newspaper: Back when I served my mission in Scotland, there used to be a free newspaper available on city buses. I think it was called the Metro. (Some quick Googling confirms my memory.) One preparation day, my companion and I rode into Glasgow so he could shop for a kilt. While at the kilt shop, we observed the mediocre rock band Filter inadvertently embarrass themselves (I don't think I've ever blogged that story, but I definitely should).

On the way home, I was looking through the Metro, and on the second-to-last page there was a very short article about Super Bowl XXXIV, which was won in dramatic fashion by St. Louis over Tennessee. After recovering from the shock of how little attention was being given to the biggest American sporting event of the year, and the even bigger shock of the Rams and Titans reaching the Super Bowl, I realized it was former Ute Kevin Dyson who had been tackled just short of the goal line. And it made me happy.

Best Moment I Watched Online: When I moved to New York in 2007, I didn't have TV, but I found a site (which has since been shut down by the Department of Justice) streaming the BYU-Utah game. Watching Austin Collie make magic happen on a small laptop screen is still pretty outstanding.

Best Moment I Watched on Television (and likely my favorite football moment of all time): Harline is STILL open!

I'm happy to report that BYU did not fumble even once while I was writing this post. Things are looking up!

Two can play this game (aka "This two-ply can game")

There's an epically passive-aggressive game of chicken going on in my apartment right now.

I share a bathroom with my roommate Ryan. In the 18 months since I moved in, he he has purchased a package of toilet paper and left it in the bathroom for us to share exactly one time (and it was only four rolls). Sometimes, when we run out, a single (often partial) roll will appear; whether he has swiped it from our other roomies or keeps a personal stash somewhere, I don't know.

Normally, things like this don't bother me. Taking an extra turn or two (or 20) on communal purchases is not that big of a deal, especially compared to the awkwardness of asking an adult to please buy some toilet paper. But last week, when the last package I bought ran out, I decided not to replace it, hoping Ryan would step up. So far, nothing. I took a roll from our roommates' bathroom (sorry Petey--I'll replace it) and hid it in my bedroom, toting it back and forth to the loo when needed. I have no idea how Ryan's been getting by.

(Ryan is not on Facebook, or Twitter, or Gmail chat, so he won't know that I'm writing about him unless one of YOU tells him. So if you see Ryan, please keep the TP stuff on the DL--I want this stalemate to continue organically.)

The weird thing is, he's a good roommate in pretty much every other way. He's friendly, responsible, he makes the long walk everyday to check the mail...he's a nice, "Charmin" guy (couldn't resist). But I'm not giving in this time, at least not yet. If Ryan wants to continue this test of wills, I'll wipe the floor with him (please don't poo poo all of my bathroom puns--they're so much fun).

I'll keep you all updated as the situation progresses. I realize that my behavior is somewhat petty, but I feel justified. In an amazing coincidence, a big chunk of this week's Sunday School reading deals with justification. It's not great bathroom reading material, but you should still check it out.