Bienvenido a mi Emmy picks

I'm a TV addict, and as such I've been planning for a while to post some Emmy predictions here sometime in the week before the awards ceremony (it's this Sunday). As usual, the "Creative Arts Emmys" were handed out at an untelevised gala the weekend before, but surprisingly, mixed in with all the boring awards for costumes and editing and makeup and sound mixing were a few of the categories I was most interested in.

Futurama beat out The Simpsons, among others, but I'm ok with that because my all-time favorite show has won ten times in the past and is well past its prime. The one that got me was Jeff Probst winning the Emmy for best reality show host. I'm a Survivor fan and will be watching when the new season starts this Wednesday, but how could the voters pick anyone other than Cat Deeley? She's the best in the biz, the anti-Ryan Seacrest. At least now I guess I have another year to meet her and become her date for the 2012 Emmys, when I'm sure this snub will be rectified.

On to my picks!

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: I don't really watch dramas now that LOST and 24 are done, so let's say, I don't know, one of the Gossip Girls. The blond one.
Should Win: Kelly Macdonald, because her character is apparently named Margaret Schroeder, and I know someone with that exact name, so this could potentially lead to a real-life "Max Power" scenario.
Will Win: Christina Hendricks, because the Emmy producers want to keep guys like me from changing the channel.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: Brent Sexton. The Killing was the only TV drama I watched consistently this year, and while the show was mediocre at best, I thought this guy did a good job.
Should Win: Peter Dinklage. That name is awesome.
Will Win: John Slattery. Because he'll probably be seated near Ms. Hendricks.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Allison Brie (for her work on Community, not Mad Men)
Should Win: Kristen Wiig
Will Win: Betty White, because she's obviously some sort of unstoppable cyborg.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Nick Offerman and Rob Lowe from Parks and Recreation. Modern Family is a fantastic show, but they have four freakin' nominees in this category, while P and R gets shut out? Unfair.
Should Win: Offerman. What's more deserving of a gold statue than performances like this?
Will Win: Chris Colfer. The four MF guys will split the vote.

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: Emily Deschanel, as a reward for convincing her sister Zooey to join the FOX family this fall.
Should Win: Mireille Enos went to BYU and is married to Cameron Frye, but again, The Killing wasn't great. Connie Britton should win.
Will Win: Connie Britton will win, but only because Friday Night Lights is finished.

LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: Denis Leary, mainly because he was so good in The Sandlot. (Have I made it clear enough yet that I'm not an expert on this year's Dramas?)
Should Win: Kyle Chandler
Will Win: Jon Hamm (since Dr. Tim Watley is ineligible this year)

LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Sofia Vergara (move her up from the "Supporting" category)
Should Win: Amy Poehler
Will Win: Laura Linney (the voters like giving as many awards to the cable shows as they can)

LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Joel McHale
Should Win: Louis C.K.
Will Win: Jim Parsons

REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM

Should Have Been Nominated: Celebrity Apprentice. Kidding! Though I wouldn't mind seeing Ivanka Trump on the show this Sunday. Wipeout should have been shown some love.
Should Win: So You Think You Can Dance
Will Win: The Amazing Race

VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SERIES

Should Have Been Nominated: The Soup
Should Win: The Daily Show
Will Win: The Daily Show. I like Stephen Colbert much more than Jon Stewart, and for years I thought Colbert's show was better too, but for the last season (or two) The Daily Show has been more clever and funny than the Colbert Report. But they're both awesome.

DRAMA SERIES

Should Have Been Nominated: Burn Notice (if only so we can get an answer to this question)
Should Win: Mad Men
Will Win: Mad Men

COMEDY SERIES

Should Have Been Nominated: Community
Should Win: Parks and Recreation (it's the best show on TV right now--if you've never watched it, or gave up after the abbreviated first season, you're really missing out)
Will Win: Modern Family

There you have it. I didn't predict the miniseries categories because I just don't care. Now that you already know what will happen, try to act surprised when they announce the winners this Sunday. Enjoy the show!

The Dork Knight

The only time I've taught Sunday School since being released as Sunday School president was a few months ago, when I subbed for the regular teacher and gave a lesson on Christ's atonement.

I started the lesson by using the ending of The Dark Knight as a metaphor for the sacrifice of Jesus. It was admittedly not a perfect metaphor, but it wasn't terrible. If I was teaching this Sunday, I might be tempted to do it again, since Two-Face himself, Aaron Eckhart, once appeared in a video based on the concept of "godly sorrow" featured in this week's reading (2 Cor. 7:9-10):



My favorite line from the video is the girl saying "But I'm not with that guy anymore!" (not featured in the above excerpt), but Eckhart's "What about the pain?" is not bad.

I also like that the very next verse after the godly sorrow passage says "what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge!" Pretty Harvey Dent-ian, wouldn't you say? You're welcome, this week's teachers.

On a related note, can I say how much I love the Internet? I found the above video in seconds. I linked to Johnny Lingo in my last post. YouTube also has the "prime the pump" video, "spiritual crocodiles," "I'll Build You a Rainbow" and many others that remind me of my childhood and adolescence.

Most importantly, The Phone Call can be watched in its entirety online! Oh, and if it wasn't for the Internet, I probably wouldn't be aware of these clips:





Usually, when I end a post by asking a question, it's a cheap ploy to get comments, but this time I really want to know: who's your favorite Mormon celebrity, either real (like Eckhart or Rick Schroeder) or imagined (Steve Martin, Snoop Dogg)? And which seminary-ish Mormon short film is your all-time favorite?

(My apologies to the one or two non-Mormons who follow my blog...hope you didn't feel too excluded here.)

Labor of love

Not only is today Labor Day, it's also the birthdays of two of my neighbors: Lychelle "Jamma" Whiteley (above left) and Christine "Spice" Weiss (right). Their other roommates also have nicknames, and although my roomies and I do not share the same affinity for pseudonyms, our two apartments have become good friends.

My roommate Petey had pondered producing an Old Spice parody video for Christine, and that morphed into me coming up with the following parody medley for the two birthday girls. Petey provided brainstorming/consulting assistance and, most importantly, joined me in performing the finished song.

(I recognize that many of my readers don't know Jamma or Spice, but as I've stated before, my blog will be the home of basically anything I write. I've added a couple of footnotes to clarify potentially confusing lines.)

Here's the finished product, with lyrics parodied from this song, this song and this one (the portions used are from the beginning of each song, in case you want to compare how closely I stuck to the original rhymes, which is important to me in my parodies):

Everybody get up, it's time to slam now
We got a real jam goin' down
Welcome to the Spice Jam
It's your chance, do your dance at the Spice Jam, alright



All right
Hey Jamma
We wanna party with you
We're jammin', with Jamma
And we know you like Jamma too

She's so cool, I mean wow, if you're rating girls with cows
Lychelle would be worth 22*
Shares her birthday with Christine Weiss and they both are super nice
Jammin' here with Jamma's crew

It's Jamma
When you're with Jamma every day is a blast
It's Jamma
And now 23 is in her past

You're one year older now, but I think you will allow
That you're still not very old
Three cheers for Lychelle Whiteley, Yah it's the special night
For a shepherd of this sheepfold

We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin')
In the Winder YSA 2nd Ward
With Jamma (Jamma, Jamma, Jamma)
Secretary of Omega**



Yo EQP***, let's kick it!

Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby
All right stop--collaborate and listen
It's Spice's birthday and we're on a mission
To help her celebrate rightly
She shares a birthday with Lychelle Whiteley
What'll she wish for? Yo, I don't know
Bring out the cake, and she'll blow
Good work Christine****, you snuffed the lights on those candles
Just like the flames, this party's too hot to handle
Glance--at everyone in this room
We've come to the time where we sing a birthday tune
Ready? You should all know the melody
Anyone don't know the words, that's a felony
You had a birthday--shout hooray
And we want to sing to you today*****
If it's someone's birthday, yo I'll call it:
Sing 'em a song, don't just Facebook wall it

Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby

Happy birthday Lychelle and Christine!

*--The concept of stating a woman's worth in cows is taken from the Mormon cult classic Johnny Lingo.
**--The Winder Young Single Adult 2nd Ward is the Mormon congregation attended by Petey and Lychelle (and formerly by Christine and me, until we got too old). The ward's Relief Society (organization for women) was recently split into two, called Alpha and Omega, and Lychelle was called to be the secretary of Omega.
***--Petey is the Elders Quorum President (basically the second ranking officer) in the aforementioned YSA Ward.
****--Replacing "extreme" (from the original) with "Christine" is probably my favorite part of the whole song.
*****--This is a reference to a birthday song sung by Mormon children.

Asterisk the Gall

Three years ago today I had emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder. My doctor would later tell me that it was "gangrenous" at the time of its removal. Nasty.

My post detailing the experience on my old blog includes one of my better jokes of all time: "I have staples in my stomach and am not wearing underwear, but for the last few weeks I haven't looked or felt much like a centerfold."

I'm sorry, but that's a really fantastic joke. Right? Right.

The timing of this dubious anniversary is ironic (by which I mean, coincidental) considering the scripture block for this week's Sunday School lesson. Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 12 that the members of the church are like parts of the body: all play different roles, and some are more prominent than others, but all are important.

So now I don't know what to think...my gall bladder (especially in its gangrenous state) would certainly qualify as a "feeble" (v. 22) and "uncomely" (v. 23) part of my body. Was Paul wrong? Am I the exception that proves the rule? Or is it just impossible for any metaphor to be interpreted 100% literally in all cases? I'll have to digest this all a little more, I guess. Which won't be easy. Because, you know, I have no gall bladder.

Hoffmann of the Month: September

The Hoffmann of the Month for September is prolific British young adult novelist Mary Hoffman! Here's why Mary was chosen:

--Up to this point, all "HotM"s had been dudes.

--Ms. Hoffman advises aspiring fantasy writers to "on no account ever let a plot hinge on a birthmark." Considering her first book, White Magic, was published way back in 1975, I think she might be a wee bit jealous of J.K. Rowling's success. (Yes, I know Harry Potter's lightning bolt is a scar and not a birthmark. I stand by my assumption.)

--Mary's list of top 10 "favourite" foods leads me to believe she's only ever tried 10 foods.

--Most of all, though, I chose Mary Hoffman because she's the author of Earth, Fire, Water, Air, which makes me think of Earth, Wind & Fire, which makes me think of one of the catchiest songs of all time, which makes me think of September!



Congratulations Mary!

Are you going to finish that?

I thought the Double Down was an amazing idea.

I would probably try deep fried butter if given the opportunity.

I believe the happiest place on Earth is actually down the road a little from Disneyland.

I wish Taco Town was a real place.

Oh, and that picture above? That's the present my mom gives me every year on my half-birthday.

Knowing all that, it shouldn't be a big surprise that when the topic of the next Sunday School lesson is "our bodies are temples," I don't have much to say about it. But Paul did. Read all about it here.

Miscellanea

Here are some places my mind wandered as I read this week's Sunday School curriculum:

--A convert named Apollos is introduced in Acts 18:23-28. Any time I see his name, I think of the world-famous Apollo Theater, and how I always tell people to check out Amateur Night when they visit New York but none of them ever do. Seriously, if you're in NYC on a Wednesday you have to go to Amateur Night. You won't regret it.

--The seven sons of Sceva tried to cast out evil spirits but just made them mad, and as a result had to "[flee] out of that house naked and wounded" (Acts 19:16). Reminds me of the time I got pantsed while playing coed basketball at recess in 6th grade (the last time I ever wore sweats to school). It also reminds me of the time I performed at the Apollo.

--The fallout from the failed exorcism included a massive book burning (v.19). I got a little wistful when I realized that four years from now, the next time these chapters cycle through the Sunday School rotation, it may be impossible to have a big book burning. Unless you burn a pile of Nooks and Kindles.

I'm going to miss bookstores. I have fond memories of going on my lunch break from Mrs. Fields (my first job), scarfing down something from Arby's or Sbarro (a place I won't miss), then spending the rest of my time loitering at Walden Book. Bookstores are a great place to waste time when waiting to meet friends at one of the restaurants in the strip mall, and they're even better places to steal wifi. I'm going to miss walking past all of the books to get to the DVD section. I'm going to miss digging through the 75%-off page-a-day calendars in February. Most of all, though, I think I'll miss the repetitive (but always funny) jokes about a bookstore's main function being a bathroom for the homeless.

--Finally, there's the story of Eutychus, the young man bored to death literally bored to death by Paul's long speech, then brought back to life by the apostle (Acts 20:7-12). There are likely more, but right now I can only recall two times when I've embarrassingly lost consciousness.

A few years ago I made my first-ever journey to New Jersey to see the So You Think You Can Dance tour (it was the Joshua-Katee cast, the show's best season ever). I was pretty sick but went anyway. It was really warm on the train back to New York, and as we were approaching Penn Station, I stood up to let others on my row get by and crowd around the door. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with my friends and a few Transit Authority employees hovering above me. Apparently I had fainted, and fallen right on top of my friend Gaby. Good times.

Sickness is a better excuse than boredom, so this other story is more shameful. As a junior in high school, I was asked to a dance by a girl I hardly knew. And she asked me by simply calling me on the phone! And we went to dinner at Wendy's! Now, I think that would be an awesome date, but that kind of behavior is pretty taboo in the Utah high school dance megadate scene.

There were three couples in our group, and I didn't know any of the other people. After some horseback riding (very fun, at least in part because I didn't have to talk to the other people much), dinner and then the dance, we went to the house of one of the girls to watch a movie. Our choices: Jaws and Children of the Corn. Seriously. About half an hour into Jaws, I and one of the other guys fell asleep. (I still haven't seen that movie all the way through.) They woke us up so they could drive us home. It was perhaps the worst date of my life (and yes, I realize that that was largely my fault).

If anyone reading is still awake at this point, feel free to share your embarrassing falling-asleep stories--especially if they take place in a bookstore.